Challenge to communication & Listening Skills

This weeks class has been about the challenge to communicate, particularly within a marriage. I have heard, repeated times, that if you can learn to communicate by being straightforward and completely honest with your spouse then you will be better off. But, is being brutally honest the key? My teacher has presented research that shows maybe how you encode (put your thoughts into words) might not be as important as decoding (taking someone's words and forming your own thoughts about what they mean). What research is saying is that we should not simply say what's on our minds all the time or become brutally honest but instead focus more on interpreting and decoding what others are saying. For instance, you should try not to jump to conclusions when someone is talking. Give them the benefit of the doubt, listen, and try to really understand what they are saying and feeling. Many times, "the feelings you intend to communicate are interpreted by the other and may or may not be perceived correctly" (Lauer, 2009, p. 198).  The book quotes psychiatrist Karl Menninger who stated, "I believe listening to be one of the most powerful and influential techniques of human intercourse." To continue on with this subject of listening, the book states a few ways you can improve your listening skills:

1. Be an active listener. "You have to look at your partner and concentrate on what he or she is saying" (Lauer, 2009, p.201).

2.  "Resist distractions...[and] consciously decide to put aside the distractions for a while and focus on what your partner is saying" (Lauer, 2009, p. 201).

3. Don't interrupt. "Control your tendency to respond before your partner is finished." Instead of formulating a reply in your head, "hear your partner out completely." (Lauer, 2009, p.201)

4. Receive "clarification" by "ask[ing] questions [and] rephrasing what the other has said [as to] check for accuracy, check for feelings, or simply to show interest and understanding" (Lauer, 2009, p.201).

5. "You can enhance your listening skills by practicing with everyone" (Lauer, 2009, p.202). The more you use good listening skills, the easier it will become!

I admit that I need to be a better listener and have more understanding when decoding others' messages. These are great tips to becoming a mindful listener!


References


Lauer, R.H., & Lauer, J.C. (2009). Marriage & Family:The Quest for Intimacy. New York, NY.  McGraw Hill.