Parenting

Both of my parents are planners. While growing up I remember my mother carefully managing the finances and meal plans while my father enjoyed mapping out family vacations and road trips. If budgeting finances, planning meals and mapping out vacations are important to the function of a family, shouldn’t a parenting plan and philosophy be even more useful? Of course, all parents will say that parenting is important and that you should think about your motivations for discipline. Most parents, however, do not take much time to reflect upon how their words and actions might be perceived by their child and neither do they consider if what they are requesting from their child is rational and backed by a wholesome purpose. Many times, we catch "how did my mother get into my larynx syndrome" and repeat the same way we were parented even if we don't agree with it. 
In class this week, we watched some video's from Michael Popkin's "Active Parenting" and learned some good tools as a parent of teenagers. These are the suggestions (in my own words) I found most helpful.

1. Practice family discussions. 
If there's a problem in your family, have you ever considered involving your children by asking them their opinion? I'm not saying you should divulge every personal detail with your kids but shouldn't they have a say about things which involve them? Not only do family councils show your children that you appreciate their opinions but you help them learn to stick up for themselves or voice a disagreement they might have-in a healthy way. ( We all know that teens are great at disagreeing.  They need this skill in order for them to stand up for their beliefs at school or turn down a harmful substance that's offered to them). It's good for them to practice having their own voice. What better place to do this than at home where you can be involved.

2. Limit the amount of criticisms. 
Come on. You know how this feels. It doesn't feel good to be criticized all the time. No one likes it. Why would your kids? When there is a major correction that needs to be made, your kids are more likely consider your correction if you aren't constantly putting them down. They need your support and guidance more than your correction and discipline. 

3. In a Remarried (Step) Family: New spouse should take on role as an "aunt/uncle" before the role as parent.
Not only is the divorce difficult for children but often times a "new" mom or dad will come into the picture to take on the missing parent role. It's very common for kids to dismiss and resent the newcomer. A helpful hint was for the new parent to take on the role of a fun aunt or uncle for a year or two and let the other parent handle the heavy discipline. This doesn't mean the new parent can't tell kids to put on their coat and shoes before going outside and such but the more serious issues should be left to the other parent. This helps the kids and the newcomer establish a positive relationship before any discipline begins. It's been practiced and kids respond much better this way and especially in the long run. "Put the Relationship first." -Thomas S. Monson.

The Importance of Father Involvement

Five Points Regarding the Presence of Fathers

            A goal for most parents is that their children will grow to be intelligent people who breeze their way through middle school, ace exams and ACT’s in high school, and get into prestigious colleges. The best chance of having these “educational outcomes” (Rosenberg & Wilcox, 2006, p.12) is when kids are raised by “involved, caring fathers” (Rosenberg & Wilcox, 2006, p.12 ). Not only do children with active fathers in the home have higher grades but “better verbal skills… intellectual functioning… patience.., and  can handle the stresses and frustrations associated with schooling more readily than children with less involved fathers” (Rosenberg & Wilcox, 2006, p.12 ).

            Psychologically, children have a lot of stressed placed on them. They feel pressure to exceed in all areas of their lives and are better off when taught how to deal with stress, handle their emotions, and avoid criminal behavior. For children with active fathers in the home, higher levels of “self-control…independence…physical and emotional health… and avoidance to drugs, violence, and delinquent behavior” (Rosenberg & Wilcox, 2006, p.13) are reported. Fathers tend to play more with their children than mothers. Playfulness helps children relieve the stress of the day as they rough house with dad.

            Children need to learn how to have proper social skills in various life settings. When children grow up with the interaction of a father they are “more sociable and popular with other children throughout early childhood… are more comfortable exploring the world around them and are more likely to exhibit …pro-social behavior” (Rosenberg & Wilcox, 2006, p.13). Not only do young children show benefits from having active fathers but “as they grow older, have… better social connections with peers” (Rosenberg & Wilcox, 2006, p.12). Having an involved father in the home helps children feel more comfortable and be able to interact with those around them in a healthy way. 

            A father’s role in the home includes protecting his children and spouse from harm, abuse, and maltreatment from within and outside of the family. When a father is involved with the caring for and nurturing of the children, there are “lower levels of child neglect” (Rosenberg & Wilcox, 2006, p.16) mainly because his involvement “reduces the parenting and housework load a mother has to bear and increases the overall parental investments in family life, thereby minimizing the chances that either parent will neglect to care for or to supervise their children” (Rosenberg & Wilcox, 2006, p.16). It is also important for children to live with their biological, married parents. For these children, they are “significantly less likely to be physically abused, sexually abused, or neglected” compared to “children who do not live with their married biological parents” (Rosenberg & Wilcox, 2006, pgs.16-17).

There is a great deal of stress placed upon a mother when the father is absent. Because of this, “mothers are almost twice as likely to be directly involved in child maltreatment as fathers” (Rosenberg & Wilcox, 2006, p.16) mainly because they are left with a huge responsibility as they lead the family home by themselves. When a father is present and active in the home, the daily tasks and responsibilities can be shared between the adults and the risk of maltreatment decreases. Children benefit considerably from the presence of a father in the home. 

                                                            Work Cited

Rosenberg, J. & Wilcox, W. B. (2006). The Importance of Fathers in the Healthy Development of Children. Retrieved from: http://www.childwelfare.gov/pubs/usermanuals/fatherhood/fatherhood .pdf

Challenge to communication & Listening Skills

This weeks class has been about the challenge to communicate, particularly within a marriage. I have heard, repeated times, that if you can learn to communicate by being straightforward and completely honest with your spouse then you will be better off. But, is being brutally honest the key? My teacher has presented research that shows maybe how you encode (put your thoughts into words) might not be as important as decoding (taking someone's words and forming your own thoughts about what they mean). What research is saying is that we should not simply say what's on our minds all the time or become brutally honest but instead focus more on interpreting and decoding what others are saying. For instance, you should try not to jump to conclusions when someone is talking. Give them the benefit of the doubt, listen, and try to really understand what they are saying and feeling. Many times, "the feelings you intend to communicate are interpreted by the other and may or may not be perceived correctly" (Lauer, 2009, p. 198).  The book quotes psychiatrist Karl Menninger who stated, "I believe listening to be one of the most powerful and influential techniques of human intercourse." To continue on with this subject of listening, the book states a few ways you can improve your listening skills:

1. Be an active listener. "You have to look at your partner and concentrate on what he or she is saying" (Lauer, 2009, p.201).

2.  "Resist distractions...[and] consciously decide to put aside the distractions for a while and focus on what your partner is saying" (Lauer, 2009, p. 201).

3. Don't interrupt. "Control your tendency to respond before your partner is finished." Instead of formulating a reply in your head, "hear your partner out completely." (Lauer, 2009, p.201)

4. Receive "clarification" by "ask[ing] questions [and] rephrasing what the other has said [as to] check for accuracy, check for feelings, or simply to show interest and understanding" (Lauer, 2009, p.201).

5. "You can enhance your listening skills by practicing with everyone" (Lauer, 2009, p.202). The more you use good listening skills, the easier it will become!

I admit that I need to be a better listener and have more understanding when decoding others' messages. These are great tips to becoming a mindful listener!


References


Lauer, R.H., & Lauer, J.C. (2009). Marriage & Family:The Quest for Intimacy. New York, NY.  McGraw Hill.

Effective Coping for Families

This weeks discussion has been about Family Crises and how to effectively cope with any struggles you might encounter in a family. The book (Marriage & Family The Quest For Intimacy, Robert H. Lauer, Jeanette C. Lauer, 8th edition) discusses a type of family that is most likely to respond to a crisis with strength and can actually result from a crisis with higher maturity and growth. It is called the resilient family. This family "can resist disruption in the face of change and cope effectively with crises." Here is a list of strengths that make a family resilient:

• accord, or relationships that foster problem-solving and manage conflict well.
• celebrations, including birthdays, religious days, and other special events.
• communication, including both beliefs and emotions
• good financial management
• hardiness, which includes commitment to the family, the belief that family members have control over their lives, and a sense that the family can deal with all changes.
• health, both physical and emotional.
• shared leisure activities.
• acceptance of each member's personality and behaviors.
• a social support network of relatives and friends
• sharing routines such as family meals and chores
• traditions that carry over from one generation to another. 

Your family can better deal with problems effectively and hopefully even improve through difficult circumstances as you develop these strengths. Another effective coping tool the book discusses is to "take responsibility for yourself and for you family." Instead of accusing your father of not having any worthwhile training or skills and that's why he lost his jobs, observe the reality of your situation, come up with resources your family has, view this as an opportunity for your family to grow and work together, encourage your father (or spouse) in whatever employment field he desires, and BELIEVE that your family can endure hard things and difficult situations.  "Remind yourself that you and your family are people with strengths and the capacity to cope effectively."

Mandatory sex education classes in NYC

After this weeks class discussions, I have started to think more seriously about home schooling my children. This article discusses sex education in the NYC public school system. http://www.nbcnewyork.com/news/local/mandatory-sex-ed-curriculum-new-york-city-public-schools-132404248.html?dr

I think it is the parent's responsibility to discuss sexuality with their children. Children mature at different levels and parents know their children better than anyone else. Some might be ready to have "the talk" at younger ages than others and the state should have no say in the matter. I think it would be a much smarter idea to teach  about healthy relationships  in school rather than mandatory sex education classes. Kids should know how to have crushes, boyfriends, and girlfriends without experimenting with sex. 

Baby Blues....Marriage Blues?

Although I am in the Marriage and Family Studies major, I have struggled with the idea of what I will eventually do will my degree. People usually ask after learning of my major, "Oh! What are you going to do with that?" The honest answer is. "I really don't know." But as I've been prompted to take certain classes within this field, I've come to realize that I do have a direction and a purpose here. It is within my own family. I might not ever be able to finish my bachelors degree or it might take me 15 years, a little at a time, as we begin our family together and bring children into our home. Even if I never get to finish, I will be so grateful I have taken classes pertaining to family. My family has already been blessed as I have applied the principles I've learned throughout this and past semesters and I am excited to apply things I've learned for future situations.

Tomorrows class is dealing with marital satisfaction and the birth of children. Studies have shown that there is a significant drop in marital satisfaction with the birth of the 1st child. This trend continues on through the 2nd, 3rd, 4th...etc. children and then something happens as the children leave the home. Marital satisfaction increases, one by one, as children leave for college or other interests. In general, this is what studies have shown to the common American marriage.

Just KNOWING this helps me to be aware of the kinds of things to expect. I will know, in the future, if I begin to notice a decrease of satisfaction in my marriage, that there are things I can do to increase it. For instance, remembering to focus on my husbands needs, and not just the child's, will help me show love and acknowledgment within my marriage. Being positive, happy and focusing on trying to be verbal about the things my husband and I AGREE on instead of DISAGREE on will help us to enjoy each others company. Also, my teacher mentioned involving your husband in a creative way. Such as, during pregnancy, explaining to your husband what it feels like when the baby kicks and sharing those moments along the way so they feel part of the whole experience with you.

These are just a few things you can do to increase the satisfaction within your marriage as you begin to bring children into the home. Help it be an enjoyable one! If your constantly "down in the dumps", complaining, and nagging, of course it won't be a fun experience. As you focus on the need's of your spouse, you will begin to see how life gets easier.

This week in class I learned some interesting statistics comparing couples in marriage and cohabitation. Couples who cohabit (living together not married) are more likely to separate, have less satisfaction with physical intimacy, have higher rates of violence within the relationship, poorer health, higher levels of depression, higher affair rates, spend more money on alcohol and tobacco, and spend less money on education. I think people began to be afraid of marriage, since they saw friends and family members going through divorces, and thought cohabiting would fix the problem. The only thing is....it didn't. In fact, from these statistics, its obvious that most married couples are happier than couples who just live together with marriage never a goal. Why is this? There's a much higher level of commitment within a marriage. You promise loyalty to another person when you accept another as your life-long spouse. You promise to be faithful, through thick and thin. If a couple cohabits, with no wedding in sight, there are no strings attached. Either of the two could walk out anytime they just get "tired" of the relationship. Cohabiting couples tend not to share as many resources as married couples do and there is a much lower level of commitment.

"Understanding Same-Sex Attraction"

The information in this post was taken from "Understanding Same-Sex Attraction", the LDS edition. Author: Dean Byrd.

Gender and gender roles is a controversial subject currently in our country. There are a wide spectrum of opinions. "Opinion" is the key word here. I would like to discuss social science and well-done research. I was presented with social science research this past week that helped me understand the need to be understanding of same-sex attraction individuals. Not only this but that there is no proof that homosexuals are "born that way", although falsely suggested in the media. Much of the scientific research done about same-sex attraction and the brain, was taken by people, skewed, and misrepresented. For example, LeVay's Brain Research. This is one of the most well-known research between homosexual and heterosexual men's brains. It is thought that through this research, a biological identification was made about homosexuals. It is known that through this research, we have proved that homosexuals are simply, "born that way." This is what the researcher has to say about his findings. I might add that LeVay, along with two other researchers involved in this work, are homosexual. (50% of this research is conducted by scientists who are homosexual.) LeVay has said:

"It is important to stress what I didn’t find. I did not prove that homosexuality was genetic, or find a genetic cause for being gay. I didn’t show that gay men are born that way, the most common mistake people make in interpreting my work. Nor did I locate a gay center in the brain." (D. Nimmons, “Sex and the Brain,” Discover, March 1994, 64–71.)

The media has taken false conclusions from his study and presented the idea that homosexuals are "born that way". There has been no study that has proven this.

The Identical Twin Studies: "J. Michael Bailey and Richard C. Pillard studied identical twins and found a 52 percent concordance rate, which means that for every homosexual twin, the chances were about 50 percent that his twin would also be homosexual...If there was something in the genetic code that made an individual homosexual, why did not all the identical twins become homosexual, since identical twins have the same genetic endowment?" ( J. M. Bailey and R. C. Pillard, “A Genetic Study of Male Sexual Orientation,” Archives of General Psychiatry 48, no. 12 (1991): 1089–96.)

Why is the media pushing so hard that homosexuality is predetermined in our genes?
"Perhaps LeVay has the answer. He noted that “people who think that gays and lesbians are ‘born that way’ are more likely to support gay rights.” (LeVay, Queer Science, 282.)

Lisa Diamond, a lesbian psychologist, noted that “it may well be that for now, the safest way to advocate for lesbian/gay/bisexual rights is to keep propagating a deterministic model: sexual minorities are born that way and can never be otherwise. If this is an easier route to acceptance (which may in fact be the case), is it really so bad that it is inaccurate?”(L. M. Diamond, Sexual Fluidity: Understanding Women’s Love and Desire (Cambridge, Mass.: Harvard University Press, 2008), 257.)

This is only a snippet of the research that has been proven falsely claimed and a small portion of the sciences regarding homosexuality. But there is such a skewed view of what's "normal" in this world. What we usually see on T.V. and movies is that men, real men, love hunting and fishing. They like "MAN" stuff. They yell at sports games and like to blow things up. Women, on the other hand, always love to cook and sew. They have no interest in mechanics or cars and would rather work on artsy things like crafts. (Which is often times true about either gender.) But the thing that we're missing is that there's a whole RANGE of feminine and masculine qualities and activities. Instead of thinking of a huge barrier between men and women, we should think of it on a line like this:

Masculine <----------------------------------------------> Feminine.


Whether you are male or female. You can lie in this range in different places. For instance, I was the only one out of my sisters that really liked to play sports when I was young. I often chose to play with the guys on the playground instead of the girls. I felt more comfortable around guys than girls, at times. Sometimes, I just liked "guy stuff". Does that change my gender or make me attracted to women? No. That's just how I am. Sometimes boys like to create more than they like to blow up things. Some boys have no interest in guns and sports. In fact, many boys when they are younger like to try on their sister's dresses or play with their mothers makeup. They are more sensitive than their male classmates and love to do crafts and projects. This does not mean that this child is going to grow up to be gay or should be interested in the same gender sexually. This means that the son tends to have more feminine qualities than most males.  Many of these boys turn out to be GREAT husbands because they can empathize and communicate so well with their wives.

So, what about the boys the actually end up having sexual relations with the same sex? Many of the boys that tend to like more feminine activities get distanced by their male age group. They tend to play more with the girls in activities but still long for approval from males. They want relationships, not anything sexual, from other guys! But it's hard because they don't like a lot of the same things and other boys judge them and make fun of them. Sometimes these boys are called "gay" growing up. As my teacher said today in class, "this is not a sexual problem, it's an intimacy problem!" These boys are longing for a simple relationship with people of their same sex. We are social creatures and need social interaction from both genders.

At some point in time the boy made fun of growing up starts to think that there really is something wrong with him like everyone else thinks. He begins to wonder if he is broken and does not fit into either gender group. He places himself in the "third gender" and begins to think "Maybe they ARE right. Maybe I AM gay." There are other factors involved such as molestation (there are much higher cases of molestation in people to report to be homosexual rather than heterosexual) and also a distance from the father in the home. This is another reason why the son tends to long for a male relationship. All of this can be very confusing to a boy. He begins to experiment and when his body responds to the same sex, he thinks it's an assurance that he really is attracted to the same-sex and eventually your sexual orientation can become skewed to preference a certain gender. The good news is that it can be changed back!

Okay, I will step off my soap box. The biggest thing I have come to get from the research I've been presented to this past week is to try to be understanding of everyone. This does not mean I agree with homosexuality but I know we are all children under the same God and we all deserve the same respect and love. If you want to help someone, you need to understand them and understand WHY they are a certain way. Please, Please Please read about this in "Understanding Same-Sex Attraction"(The LDS edition) by Dean Byrd. It's an awesome resource and can help you understand no matter what side of the band wagon you are on! Wow- thanks for reading this far!

Until next week,

Loni

Discussing Family in Culture and Social Class

This week in class we have talked about how social class and culture can affect the family. I started thinking about what type of external experiences affected my family and how my family might have been different in another culture. I came to the conclusion that each person in my family would be different which would influence our whole family unit. For instance, in a show called "People Like Us" ( which you can view on YouTube) Tammy and her family lived in poverty. This "social class" that they are considered in directly affected their relationships with each other. Walking 10 miles to work and back every day, due to lack of funds to buy transportation, took away precious time Tammy could be spending with her children. They lived in a trailer and one of her children refused to invite friends over to their house because he was embarrassed of his families "class". This directly influenced his relationships with friends. Culture, social class, religion: all of these things influence your family relationship and interactions. How might your family be different if you changed these things?

Real Research

So far this semester, I have come to understand how important doing your own research is. Very often rumors get passed along and many of them are false, yet we tend to believe what we hear. This might be a silly example but the other night my husband and I were watching the movie Ben-Hur, the old 1959 movie which is set in ancient Rome about a Jewish prince who is betrayed and sent into slavery by his friend but escapes and returns for revenge. The story of Christ's ministry and crucifixion play a part during this movie and Ben-Hur comes to understand that love is more powerful than hate. Anyway, there is a scene where the two friends are competing in a race with horses and the guy who had banished Ben-Hur into slavery dies in the race. Back to my point. My husband and I had always been told, by friends and family, that during this scene of the movie, the stunt man actually died but they still continued with the movie. This was believed for years until we actually did our own research and found that this is simply a rumor and there were no deaths in the movie. It's so easy to believe what you hear and sometimes rumors are more exciting than the truth and we like exciting news more. In many of my classes this semester, I have been reminded how to do real research and find things out for myself. In the subject of family relations, many people still believe that our population is growing.In fact, in many countries around the world, the population is actually beginning to decrease. In America, the fertility rate is 2.13 children per woman. If the fertility rate is any lower than this, our population will also decline. As of now, America's population is sustaining. Everyone has been so focused on the increasing population and passing out birth control like candy but have you ever considered the consequences of a declining population? If the declining population continues, maybe my children will not be able to support the many elderly who are in need of social security benefits. There could be much less workers than elderly people who need support. And what about parents who are both single children and who have one child. That child will have no cousins,uncles, aunts. Not only will our economy be impacted but also our social culture. There's a lot to think about before we just decide to stop having kids. In my case, I look forward to having my own family in the future.

Purpose of this Blog

I am not usually the type that expresses my thoughts a lot. I am usually a introverted kind of person who is satisfied with hearing other peoples opinions... while keeping my own opinions to myself. Through this blog, I hope to express a little of who I am, my beliefs, and yes, my opinions! To do this, I'll have to get out of my comfort zone a little...okay, maybe more than a little. Hopefully one day I'll actually ENJOY doing this. I'd like to mostly write about the topic of Family and Family Relations. I am majoring in Marriage and Family Studies at BYU-Idaho where I am learning to love learning. Growing up, I HATED school and often begged my parents to let me stay home. I dreaded doing homework and put in as little effort as possible into getting the grade. Something clicked while I was in college and I have found a passion for learning. Anything...and Everything. I would love to just stay in college forever. (Minus the exams and walking to school in freezing weather and snow). There are many different majors I could have chosen and been interested in. But I was drawn toward Marriage and Family studies. Maybe because my dream is to be a mother. I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints which has influenced my belief that it is a privilege to be a parent and I view being a mother as a great honor and blessing. I will share my views on Family as I continue my courses throughout this school semester. Okay, maybe expressing my thoughts wasn't as hard as I thought! Hopefully you will return in the future to find some deeply interesting stuff! :)